Dear Sad Person in the Toxic Relationship, Wondering if this Article is For You. Yes. Yes, it is.

I realize that the first few blog posts have had quite a bit of humor interlaced in them, but I want to get very serious for a bit here and talk about toxic relationships. If you searched “Am I in a toxic relationship?” in Google, and this came up, chances are you’re in a toxic relationship.

Unless you Google that type of thing for fun.

Oops, there’s that humor. I can’t help it. It’s culturally ingrained in me. You know that old Jewish proverb “if we didn’t laugh, we would cry…”

There are numerous ways in which a relationship can be toxic. All of which hurt both partners. All of which are destructive. And all of which can really break a person down and make them feel depleted, both mentally and physically.

There are so many different types of relationships; sooooo many different categories and core values. There are gay relationships, straight relationships, poly-amorous relationships, monogamous relationships; the list goes on. But they all have one thing in common (at least, in my mind): each partner benefits the other. There is a mutual desire to see your partner succeed, flourish, be happy, and (even though we all go through rough patches) the general feeling is that of being loved and supported.

Aaaaah, didn’t that paragraph above sound refreshing? But that is not you, right? Does your relationship sound more like this…

You shut yourself down and keep quiet to prevent an outburst or an argument, yet that never seems to work because the second you open your mouth, your “incessant nagging” or “yapping”… “MAKES” the other person lose their cool and they fly off the handle.

Notice the word “MAKES” here please. This is the clincher for me. No one can make anyone act in any way. Let’s get this straight here, people, and let’s get it straight NOW. The only people who aren’t responsible for their own actions are invalids, very small children, and dead people. If your partner robbed a bank right now while you were home with the kids, would YOU go to jail? No. Because you are NOT responsible for your partner’s actions or behaviors. The same can be said for their behavior toward you. If you feel like you are treading on delicate egg shells that are housing giant shards of broken glass, and every time you open your mouth to say anything that you run the risk of shattering those egg shells and turning your evening into absolute HELL, then you might be in a toxic relationship.

Please take the above paragraph and print it out to keep in your wallet… or tattoo it on your forehead or something. YOU are not responsible for your partner’s actions. You are only responsible for your own actions. And another person’s insecurities, anger, irrational views, etc. are not your fault.

Let’s throw another scenario out there…

Do you feel crazy?

No seriously. Do you feel crazy for thinking that you and your partner may have a toxic relationship? Because you both are completely different people outside of your home. Are you incredibly happy at work, and your partner seems like a great person to all your friends, and no one really understands the problems you guys have because they don’t see the side of either of you that you’re seeing when you fight? That’s a major sign right there that something is up.

YOU ARE NOT CRAZY.

This isn’t to say that your partner is crazy either, mind you. A toxic relationship doesn’t have to be toxic because of ONE person. It can be mutually toxic. But if you continuously feel insane because you can’t figure out why your partner is such a nice person to everyone but you, than it’s time to reevaluate your worth in your partner’s eyes.

Does your partner tell you that it’s YOUR fault they treat you badly? Please refer to the above paragraph where I explain that another person’s actions and behaviors are not your fault.

Keep in mind, that if you are really the cause of this person’s issues. If you are really THIS terrible to them, if you push their buttons in all the right ways to make them so miserable they can’t control their anger and they lash out at you, if it’s entirely YOUR fault and none of their own, than perhaps it would be in your best interest to leave this person. Why on Earth would anyone want to stay with someone who is clearly “making” them into a ruined soul. I mean, seriously, do THEM a favor and just leave.

Whatever you may have done in the past, you need to understand that the past is the past. Don’t let people hold you in your past. Especially if you are trying to move forward and grow as a person. If your mistakes are so grievous that your partner can’t forgive you and the relationship has become toxic because of your mistakes, than accept that. Again, you are doing your partner a favor by being the one to let go, even if they don’t have the strength to do it on their own.

Fear is a very powerful deterrent for change. Don’t be the one who stays because of fear. Both you AND your partner, no matter the past or the toxicity of your current relationship, have the potential to be happy and to continue your journey in life, free of name calling, hurting, cheating, lying, screaming, and damaging the others’ self worth and self esteem.

The most angry and mean of partners has worth and value in this world, but it may be that they need to learn to point the finger inward to self heal prior to really being able to harness that worth. And, if they are unable to do that with you, than it may be time to set them free. You’ll be doing them a favor, I promise.

If you are reading this, and you are either crying… or a light is going off in your head and your body and mind are buzzing with energy because you are LIVING what I am explaining… please, for the love of God, for the love of your children, for the love of YOURSELF, get some help. Get things fixed. Or, if you feel things are damaged beyond repair or your partner doesn’t want to fix them, then do both of you a favor and be the warrior who walks.

I would welcome comments or feedback of any kind. Until next time…